Could Josh Hawley actually be a decent person?
Donate to find out!The winds of political change whip at our faces, leaving a taste of uncertainty and heightened anticipation. But there's never been a better time for Democrats to make friends with Josh Hawley, who is extremely young, extremely smart, and extremely concerned about Big Tech.
For the sake of America's innocent babies, with their hopeful eyes and untapped futures, we must act. We carry their dreams, and for them, we must extend our hand across the aisle to Josh Hawley. An intellectual powerhouse and Big Tech challenger, this strategic alliance with Josh Hawley will lead to a safer, brighter world for our youngest citizens.
By Mike Reid | January 2025
Josh Hawley, Republican senator from Missouri, was born on Monday, December 31, 1979 (New Year Eve, and also the very last day of the entire 1970s) — which makes Josh an extremely young member of Generation X, as well as an extremely young member of the United States Senate.
Monday is the worst night for New Year's Eve, isn't it?
Sure, Tuesday's a day off, but then somehow you have to go back to work on Wednesday?
Ugh.
Maybe when New Year's Eve is on a Monday, America should just take the whole week off?
We could call that a Josh Hawley Year, in honor of Josh Hawley, who we'll no doubt need as a cosponsor on this legislation if we're ever going to get the bill passed.
Speaking of Josh Hawley, Josh Hawley just won reelection.
And look, here's the situation with Josh Hawley: Josh Hawley is a senator, so he only has to run for reelection every six years.
And he can do it in (red) Missouri every single time.
Josh Hawley will be 50 on Election Day 2030.
Josh Hawley will be 56 on Election Day 2036.
Josh Hawley will be 62 on Election Day 2042.
Josh Hawley will be 68 on Election Day 2048.
Josh Hawley in the year 2048.
Look, Josh Hawley is going to be a senator for the next 50+ years.
Or, he could even become President (or Vice President) of the United States. Because in 2028, 2032, 2040, 2044, etc, he can run for President/VP in a year he's not even up for reelection.
Win and he's in the White House. Lose, and he's still a senator.
Additionally, as Josh Hawley ages, he will become increasingly sexy.
In other words, Josh Hawley cannot lose.
God, to wake up every day as Josh Hawley.
Ok. Here's an idea. What if every time someone — especially a Democrat — sees Josh Hawley walking down the street, they yelled at him, "I love you Josh!"
Or, if you're in a group of people, "We love you Josh!!"
And then, what if in response, Josh Hawley always yelled back "I love you too!" and then also added like an energetic fist pump, like he's saying "fuck yes" with his left hand to cheer on the person who just yelled "I love you Josh!" to him.
This could become the thing Josh Hawley becomes known for.
And everyone would love it.
Okay, buckle up because we're about to take a ride through the educational history and massive brain of Josh Hawley — and let me tell you, it's a wild ride. This guy was a Stanford history major, and then he's like, "Hmm, what should I do next? Oh, I know — how about I go to YALE LAW SCHOOL?!"
And he wasn't just any old law student at Yale — no, he was the editor of the Yale Law Journal, and he worked as a research assistant for one of the big shots in constitutional law.
NBD, right?
After he graduated from Yale, Josh was like, "I can't just sit around being smart all day — I need to go clerk for the CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE UNITED STATES!" So, he did that, because why not? And then he was like, "Hmm, I still have too much free time on my hands — I think I'll become a hotshot attorney in DC and work on all sorts of legal stuff, like constitutional law, commercial litigation, and regulatory compliance."
And you know what? He was GOOD at it.
And just in case that wasn't enough, Josh was also a teacher.
Yeah, you heard me right — a TEACHER.
Josh Hawley taught constitutional law at the University of Missouri School of Law, because apparently he just couldn't get enough of that brainy stuff. His academic work focused on the First Amendment and the intersection of constitutional law and religion, because you know, that's just how he rolls.
After all his high-powered brainy activities, Josh Hawley was like, "I'm gonna kick it up a notch — I'm gonna run for Attorney General of Missouri!" And guess what? He won.
That's right, Josh Hawley went from being a legal hotshot in DC to the top law enforcement officer in Missouri. Not too shabby.
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And he didn't just sit around twiddling his thumbs as Attorney General — no way. He tackled all sorts of tough issues, like cracking down on human trafficking, fighting government corruption, and protecting the rights of Missourians.
He also sued big tech companies like Google and Facebook over alleged anti-competitive practices.
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But that wasn't enough for Josh — oh no. He was like, "I think I'll run for the U.S. Senate next."
And guess what?
He won AGAIN.
That's right, this brainiac just kept racking up the political victories. And he's been making waves in the Senate, with his fiery speeches and his willingness to take on big tech, and the establishment. Some people love him, some people hate him — but you can't deny that he's got some serious chutzpah.
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And get ready America, because Josh Hawley has a new book out called Manhood: The Masculine Virtues America Needs. And let me tell you, it's not your average self-help book. No sir, this is a bold call to action for American men to step up and embrace their roles as leaders, protectors, and citizens.
According to Hawley, a free society depends on men of character to defend what is just and true. And he's not just talking about being tough and rugged — no, he's talking about virtues like responsibility, bravery, fidelity, and leadership. He draws on the wisdom of the ancients, from Greek and Roman philosophers to Jesus of Nazareth, as well as the lessons of American history.
But of course, Hawley can't just make his case without also taking some shots at his enemies. He argues that the assault on masculinity in education, the media, the workplace, and every level of government is an assault on freedom itself.
Josh Hawley is not afraid to call out the 'foolhardy' push to emasculate men and turn them into passive weaklings who are unable to defend themselves, their families, or their country.
Some people might say that Hawley is just trying to stir up controversy and get attention.
But you know what? He's not wrong about the importance of character and virtue in a free society. And he's not afraid to make a bold, impassioned case for something he believes in.
Love him or hate him, you can't deny that Josh Hawley is a man on a mission — and this time, his mission is to save manhood.
Fast forward folks, and it's 2048, where the flying cars are still a fantasy, but Josh Hawley is still making waves in politics.
That's right — the man who once wrote a book about masculinity is still going strong, even though he's now pushing 70.
In 2048, Josh Hawley is still a force to be reckoned with. He's been a U.S. Senator for over 30 years now, and he's still unafraid to take on the establishment and challenge the status quo.
His latest crusade? Well, it's hard to keep track, really.
He's gone after big tech, he's fought for American workers, and he's railed against the "woke" culture that's supposedly ruining our society. Love him or hate him, you've got to admit that the man's got spunk.
And he's not just a political figure, either. In 2048, Josh Hawley is a bona fide celebrity. He's written more books than you can count, he's been a guest on every news show and podcast under the sun, and he's even had a brief stint as a reality TV star (don't ask). The American people just can't get enough of him, whether they're cheering him on or shaking their heads in disbelief.
Well, well, well — it's Sunday, December 31, 2079 and look who's turning 100 years old today! It's none other than Senator Josh Hawley, still going strong and still serving in the U.S. Senate. You heard that right, folks — the man who once wrote a book about masculinity is now a centenarian, and he's still as feisty as ever.
In his 100 years on this earth, Josh Hawley has seen it all. He's lived through multiple wars, economic crises, and cultural upheavals. He's outlasted most of his contemporaries and outmaneuvered his enemies.
And even though he's now a centenarian, Josh Hawley is still serving in the U.S. Senate. He's been a senator for over 60 years now, and he's still fighting the good fight for what he believes in. Whether he's taking on big tech, defending American workers, or advocating for the traditional values he holds dear, he's not afraid to speak his mind and challenge the status quo.
So here's to you, Josh Hawley, on your 100th birthday. You've lived a long, full life, and you're not done yet. Who knows what the future holds for you, but one thing's for sure — you're not going to slow down anytime soon. Cheers to another 100 years!